Brutal Honesty

It's Whitney. Not feeling too great emotionally today. Just an overall feeling of sadness and defeat. How uplifting to read, right?  Just being real. I'm realizing that I have no idea how to eat food. That may sound crazy but it's true. Back in college I used to struggle with anorexia. Strange to hear a chubby girl say that I'm sure.  But I'm realizing not too much has changed in my mind since then. I have no control when I eat and the only way I get control is to not eat.  Finding balance, eating healthy, is more of a challenge than I thought. I have become aware that I feel guilty when I eat anything. I still think food is bad, calories are bad, everything has too many calories in it to be a "healthy" choice.  The gnawing in my stomach from not eating feels better than the guilt.  But, I'm also hungry! So, by the end of day I eat, thinking I have a days worth of calories I have yet to consume and if I'm going to feel guilty anyway then why not eat something I really want to eat? How screwed up is that?  In the last couple of weeks I've tried to do better by planning 3 smaller meals and 2 snacks per day. I don't like it. Once I eat something I feel like it makes me hungrier and resisting temptation is tougher. My stomach is "awake" and I feel like I'm fighting off a beast all day by forcing down green pepper strips and carrots. In the past I have lost weight and gained it back, lost weight and gained it back. If I'm honest, the times that I have lost weight have been stressful times when my anxiety level has been off the charts and I couldn't eat.  So...not eating worked. If I'm eating, I eat too much of the wrong things - I'm out of control. I've already been guilty of not eating much all day a couple of days this week. Honestly, it's easier. But, I feel awful, I'm depressed and grouchy and so far it hasn't worked. The scale hasn't budged.  Insert sadness and defeat here.


I know my God doesn't want me to feel sad and defeated. In fact I know that though the power of Jesus Christ I am not defeated in anything! I know he doesn't want me to be tortured daily by food and the scale and the way I look. I know he doesn't want me to give up on myself. And, I believe this post, this insight, is from God. Getting brutally honest is part of the process to healing and being made whole and healthy. He's showing me where I'm unhealthy and I know he won't leave me in this place. But, dang, I feel like one real screwed up chick right now.

Time to pick up "Made to Crave" and my Bible and seek the One who can help me.